This is what the floor of my new 'office' (a vacant bedroom) looked like at the end of the first week of online teaching. It seems to be a metaphor for my state of mind, as well.
I know the world doesn't need another blog post from a musician dealing with the quarantine, but I have so many thoughts rumbling around in my head. To me, that's always a sign that I need to write things down. If you're expecting some positive vibe post, you should probably stop reading now. Teaching these days is really more like doing damage control. I've tried FaceTime, Skype, and even Facebook Messenger Chat for lessons. Last week I switched everyone over to Zoom, which seems to work the best for most of us. The sound quality is still marginal at best--and we're doing MUSIC here, so having to ignore/forgive sound quality really goes against the grain. I've established something of a routine, but it's not really enjoyable. I get through each day as best I can. I do enjoy seeing students' faces and talking with them, and that helps me soldier on. I hope it helps them too. I had a video conference with one of my college classes yesterday, and I can't overemphasize to you how worried and stressed out they all looked. They also somewhat resemble zombies after staring at computer screens all day. I'm sure I looked the same to them. But we did connect briefly yesterday, and it cheered me to see their faces. I realized I'm actually in stages of grief over lost performances (Before anyone gets judgmental: I do really get the big picture here--and I know performances will return). Right now I go back and forth between denial and anger. I'm not sure I'm going to ever get to acceptance. During the first week of quarantine, I was on board with all of the positivity and encouraging social media posts. I tried new things in music I never had time for previously. I read up on online teaching strategies. I listened to podcasts. Now, in the midst of the 3rd week, I'm running out of steam and creativity. I would be creative, really, but all of my energy is going into creating PowerPoints and Voicethreads for my college classes. There's not much left at the end of the day to devote to much else. Yes, I'm eating right/exercising daily. I'm also doing laundry, cooking meals (my husband helps with this), and trying to care for my family, both those who are housebound with me and those who are long distance. It's exhausting. I appreciate the folks who are posting all of the positive creative things, I really do. But do I really have to create the next great flute masterpiece right now too? Aren't I doing enough? I just want to share this to say it's ok if you're like me and just getting by on a day to day basis. I'm doing enough, and so are you. I promise I will teach my best and continue to practice, even if it's a real slog. I was reminded this morning of lyrics from one of my favorite musicals: "Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise." If you're overwhelmed like me, it's ok to just sit in the dark and wait for the sun to rise. I will sit and wait with you.
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I Write too!I write about flute, classical music, college auditions, positive mindset, and music advocacy. Archives
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